Sunday, August 22, 2010

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:

Here are my grandchildren, Taylor, 8, Bryan, 3 and little Trystyn, 3 weeks.

It is another changing of the seasons for me. For more on the subject of change and children, I like this blog, and this post in particular;

It captivated me, and now I am looking at things with new glasses, as they say. Or, I just cleaned the old ones.

I had reached what I thought of as a breaking point. The year has been full of disappointments, crisis, and turmoil, from the small things, like the shower head breaking off, to large things, like car accidents. I began to feel overwhelmed, and getting angry. To those that know me, anger is an old friend of mine. We used to hang out a lot, and did a lot of things together that I would like to forget. Sadly, since I cannot erase memories, I am stuck with my past. And that is the problem.

I teach and work with angry people. For some, it is the only ready and safe emotion to deal with an unfair hand in life. schizophrenic, bipolar, paranoid- life isn't fair for my people. And, the system isn't fair, not at all. You become a prisoner of your own illness. To make it more interesting, lets confine you to a facility and staff it with people that almost have as much trouble as you do relating and have little to no sympathy or compassion as the years in 'the business' roll on. So, anger is there.....

I can relate to my angry people. I get angry so easy, I try to not let me go there. It is like an alcoholic, when you get a taste you want more! I am an anger junkie. Every now and then I fall off the wagon. I get mean, I get snotty, I get downright near violence. I want to right my perceived wrongs in the old way, by beating on somebody or something. It is intoxicating! And, the wrong season...

I was angry because I never developed mature outlets for my emotions. A man of extremes, I either let go what I shouldn't have, or ran with the things I should have let go. My frustration and sense of helplessness nearly drove me to other aids, such as drink, drugs and other risky behaviours. Instead, I found anger, and a mean, mean pride. I became a jerk, in short. It took a lot to overcome. Well, actually, not at all!!! I just hit rock bottom, and while stuck in a hospital for a week with no pain pills (liver acting up) and unable to move without severe pain, I lay awake for nearly 48 hours, unable to sleep. I had plenty of time to think and reflect. It was a tempering, and I came thru it a different person.

I spend a great deal of time trying to make up to my children what I consider was a crappy childhood. They moved a lot, and we never had much. They all say they thought it was great, and I got mad a lot, but I was an OK father. OK....I wish I could have been a great dad. If there is a lesson to be learned here, it is that there is always a lesson to be learned...

Well, now my children have children. The little darlings tear up my house and run amok regularly, just like my little ones used to do! In this season, I want to be able to realize the vision I always had but never seemed to be able to grasp, to be the man I always wanted to be. I have to start at home, and I hope that parents will join me in making a safe, happy place for kids, all kids. Children should always have our love, regardless.